Lately, I’ve been stuck in limbo, trying to figure out my next step, specifically spiritually. I’ve been alternating between bitterness and hurt. I’ve spent hours trying to sort through my thoughts and understand what happened. Trust your girl to even go to the extent of addressing a doll to deal with emotions 😂😂
I started the year on a high note. I was on fumes, especially where my service in the youth ministry was concerned. I mean, we spent the last day of 2022 regrouping and trying to come up with plans for the year. We had a good time while at it too. We were so ready to hit the ground running only to walk into an attack disguised as a meeting.
Quick question, has anyone of you ever been attacked by your pastor? Has your ministry been targeted by someone who should be your greatest support? Has your integrity been questioned by a team ordained by God to cushion you and help make you a better leader? Has your Minister, whom you sat with for hours planning how to revitalize your youth ministry, openly stated that you are useless as a leader and should be removed effective immediately?
I’m not sure I’m writing this piece as a blog post for y’all with some sort of lesson somewhere between the lines. This one is for me. This one is a rant because I think I need it. I need to understand what changed. I need to understand why I am the center of a baseless attack. I need to understand how great effort and a group of young people willing to be in ministry are considered useless. I need to know if this is a me-thing or a God-ordained step toward something great. And if it is, then I need a sign.
I love serving young people. I love mentoring young girls. I love holding their hands to help them cross the road and be there when they tackle the highway on their own for the first time. I love young people. I have been gifted in service. I am gifted in understanding and working with these youngins. It’s the one area I have served in and enjoyed fully and from it, dare I say, I have seen God change my life and uplift me.
I grew up in a church where the young people loved and accepted each other. It’s like they always knew they had a place to call home. They weren’t perfect. Several times I witnessed some mess ups but it was the way these were handled that kept them coming back to the feet of Jesus. Outside of church, they had good friendships and relationships. They spent Saturdays practicing dance routines and hanging out. They spent holidays performing in sister churches and reaching out to other young people. They spent a lot of time showing up for each other; birthdays, funerals, and weddings name it. I watched this and loved it. I wanted this for myself, but mostly for the young people in my home church. I wanted them to always know they have a youth family they can turn to, especially in these dark internet-crazy days.
To be honest, I wanted that family for myself for a long time and I searched for it in a few areas. I didn’t find it. Turns out the problem was I’m not a follower, I’m meant to be a leader. When I took time to understand that as an introvert I may crave one thing but need another, I had a breakthrough and decided to take a leap and create this family for other young people who would need it most.
Coming from a village where most young people are unexposed and get a baptism by fire when they leave the village for university, I knew it was something that was needed. I was born and raised in the city but when I moved back to the village I was a teen. I’d seen life outside the village, it didn’t tickle me as it did them. I watched several of them leave the village, without any sense of self, and go lose themselves in the city. I figured that if their foundation was Christ, no matter what situation arose, they would be able to always find their way back to Christ. I wanted that for them. Not just for the aspect of family, but also to help them navigate life as young Christians, whether born again or not, and encourage them to seek Christ for themselves.
It wasn’t easy. It hasn’t been easy. Nothing worth doing ever was. But with my team, we gave it our all. From planning conferences, recruiting teachers of the Word and life, running out of finances when you have over 100 young people to feed at a conference; to spicing up youth services to get them to understand God in a way that was easier for them and spending time researching on those ideas; to planning and executing End of Year picnic/hikes for over 100 youths successfully. It has been a crazy wild ride!
Every moment of it has been beautiful. Even those that made us cry and scream. Every single moment pulled us closer to God. We would be stuck in the market without funds to get groceries and say, “God we need you to come through!” or we would be following up on lost youth and be met with insults and snobs and we’d whisper, “God we’ve done our very best, please remind this young man of who you are. Help us out here.”
I think what hurts the most is the fact that the one person who went through it all with us feels we did zero. You know, when you share your struggles and success with someone and ask them to pray with you, it easily feels like they are taking the journey with you. You aren’t alone anymore, there is someone else who is holding you up in prayer. It feels like an absolute betrayal when the same person, in your absence speaks ill of your tenure and service. It’s even worse when the common goal is to help a future generation; a goal that should be beneficial for everyone involved. God! It sucks!
I want to serve young people. If I’m being honest, I am not crazy about being a youth leader. I don’t need to be one to serve. I just want to serve in whatever capacity I can. And if God feels like I should do it somewhere else apart from my home church, then that is also ok. I guess I am also realizing that my hurt comes from the fact that I have given so much importance to the opinions of everyone else but God. I think I need His input and maybe my anger and bitterness have kept me from actually hearing from Him. His plans are always bigger than mine. His plan for my life is for a future and hope. If I am meant to serve, no man can stand against that.
For the past few days, I have been contemplating giving up service and figuring out what next. I haven’t been to church since the meeting which brought tears to my eyes. I have taken a step back in my service to young people since the year began. I have been wallowing and whining over it. I’ve thought about it over and over again and tried to understand how it all went downhill. I guess the missing piece is that I haven’t spoken to God about it yet. And He doesn’t read blog posts so I should get myself in my prayer closet and speak to Him about my frustration.
One thing remains constant, whatever this is, I know that my calling is service and I will execute my service for as long as the Lord allows me to. The where is not clear to me but I hope it becomes clear at some point. Until then, I hope you pick something out of this rant and ultimate realization. I hope it helps you rant too and probably choose to speak to God about it first because He has all the answers to your questions. Adios! 👋🏾
THE NARRADORA 