I’m sitting in my living room, scrolling through Instagram and watching ‘Reasonable Doubt’ and I stumble upon this very cute couple. The first slide is a picture of their hands intertwined, in black and white. I can tell who is who because her nails are neatly manicured and a medium size rock is the center of attention on her hand. The caption is an open letter to their fans detailing the normal, ‘irreconcilable differences’, ‘we’ll continue to be friends’, ‘privacy at this time’ and every pretty vocabulary their publicist was able to come up with.
I relate to the post in ways I never thought I would. If I’m being honest, the feeling I used to associate with such posts was confusion. I just never understood why they needed to put it out to the public. A relationship, to my understanding, is between two people. My opinion then was that those two don’t owe anyone an explanation. A part of me still agrees with that ideology. The other part understands why there is an innate need to say it out loud. Here is why
A little over 8 months ago I stumbled upon love. I use stumbled because I wasn’t looking for it, I didn’t want it; my focus back then was my career. When he came knocking on my door, with proclamations of partnership and a life together, on a number of occasions I declined. A few, out loud to him. Most of it happened under my covers. I kept telling myself that what was pursuing me was not in close proximity to what I had asked God for. But he had a masters degree in language and me, and he played those cards too well. Let’s just say yours truly was smitten
He was nice. Or at least he tried to be. He was easy to talk to. He did not pressurize me, especially when I was unsure about starting something with him. He was cute. He was trying to make something out of himself. He typed in full sentences and observed grammar (if you know me, you know how important this is). He knew when he’d fallen and always led with an apology and changed behavior. In essence, he ticked a number of boxes, probably three-quarters. He, however, didn’t tick the most important one. I chose to ignore it or rather, be grateful for what I had
I could work around it, or so I thought. On God, I tried to make it work. I raised it in our discussions. He was gracious about it. He listened and promised to try. And he try he did. He tried to be exactly what I wanted him to be. I could tell it was all new to him. I could tell he was not interested in it. I could tell he was doing it all for me. While I pushed him to seek after that essential thing he lacked that I needed him to have, I missed my own mark. The result was anger and exhaustion from trying to change this grown man to conform to what I wished for.
Six months in, I was collecting red flags and taking them to the altar. I filled God’s inbox with requests of “Dear God, please change my partner.” I remember going on a fast, hoping to hear from God about the best decision to make on the matter. God spoke very clearly; He did not stutter. I did not listen. I kept collecting the red flags and flooding God’s mail box
God specifically said, ‘He is not your burden to carry. He is not the one.’ I remember thinking that it could not be; God must have missed the point. I remember wondering why God would say no, yet the man had almost all I had asked Him for in my prayers for a partner. I sat with myself for a few days and pondered over the answer I had received. I tried to change God’s mind numerous times. you know the “But God, he is loving, he is kind, he respects me…” type of prayers? Yep. I prayed a couple of those, a couple of times. I had no peace. Given that there were some peaks of joy and lovey-dovey nothings that made my little girl happy, there never was any peace. I was up in the middle of the night, taking quizzes to figure out if he was right for me.
Coincidentally, during that period, I had a lot of revelation through different speakers, and mentors who had zero idea about what I was going through. One of them outright said, ‘If you are having questions this early, he definitely isn’t the one. I don’t care how cute he is, if he isn’t what you ordered from heaven, he isn’t the one’. I knew it was confirmation of what God was saying to me and I knew I had to walk away. The problem was how I was going to do that. The little voice in my head made it even more difficult by raising the ultimate blackmail question, ‘What if you leave him and he changes tomorrow and becomes all that you’ve ever wanted?’
The prayer changed. It was no longer a project prayer requiring God to change a man to fit my order. It was ‘God remove him!’ Harsh, huh? Trust me, I am aware. It was the only way I was going to win the battle. It was the only way to return an order that was delivered to the wrong doorstep and await my right order. It was not easy by any standards. For a girl who has been in the wait for a while, in the midst of societal expectations and requirements for a 26-year-old professional, it was not easy to let go. But I had to believe that God had a reason for the push. I had to believe that there was much better for me in store. Hard but necessary.
I remember the conversation that would lead up to the break up. I remember the insults, the blackmail and the attitude that came with it. Granted, this wasn’t an easy conversation for either of us but this side of this individual was finally laid open. I bet God was sited on His throne, unveiling this individual to me in real time and thinking ‘this is what I am trying to save you from’ and still watching me still give in to giving him another chance. I remember the last straw with such a bitter taste in my mouth. I can remember how disgusted I was. I look back and wish I had saved those tears for an occasion that really needed it. For some reason, my spirit didn’t just sit right on that day. I still cannot pinpoint exactly what disgusted me. All I know is God was at work.
See, when I finally walked out of the relationship, I was hit with some reality. I had to ask myself the hard questions. I had to figure out why I was willing to settle for less. I had to question my view on courtship and marriage. I had to understand why I was so quick in handing out chances when I knew exactly what had to happen. I sat in front of my mirror and the girl I saw frightened me. I saw how scared the little girl in me was and it scared me as well. I could see a girl who was so desperate for acceptance and love that she would settle for anything with a pulse that was willing to give that. I could see a girl who was so broken, with childhood trauma she didn’t even know she had, in search of anyone who dared to make her feel good. I could see 5-year-old me who hang onto every single word from her mother’s mouth and believed these words even when they were said in anger and were untrue. I could see a girl who didn’t have an identity and anyone who could fill that void was gold to her, regardless of whether they were worthy or not.
I chose to hibernate and unearth this girl. I chose to acknowledge her trauma, sit in it and understand the genesis. I chose to go back to the drawing board and trim the edges that needed trimming. I chose to let that little girl out of the box she had been kept away in for years. I chose to really find out what my creator says about me. I chose to believe that my manufacturer had a better understanding of my identity more than my mother or my partner did. I chose to take a deep dive into scripture and open my inner understanding to really hear what God was saying about me. I chose to ask the Father to take me apart and mould me in a way that only He could for the glory of His name and in fulfillment of my purpose on this earth.
Single season can be scary. Loneliness, desperation, low self esteem, lack of self worth, mistaken identity are just but a few things that plague us in singlehood. We were created for companionship. God Himself created Adam and realized it was not good for him to be alone so He created Eve from his rib. There is literally someone for everyone; God made sure of that. The only difference is the timing in which we meet our significant others. If we are patient, God holds us down and ensures we get to meet exactly who He had in mind for us when He created us. If we choose to satisfy our humanly cravings, we find someone who might not necessarily be for us or at an absolutely wrong time in our lives. Sometimes the wait is designed to allow God to redesign you. Sometimes the wait is designed to allow Him to prune your significant other. The wait, regardless of what happens during that season, is always necessary. Patience, trust and obedience is key.
I am in a season of pruning and revitalization in my wait. It is not a bed of roses but it has allowed me to draw nearer to my creator and understand the Father in ways I didn’t before. It has allowed me to be rebuked, especially for the role I played in my previous relationships, that could have been toxic and simply wrong. I have re-identified myself in Christ, seeing myself as He sees me. I am on the mend to loving myself as I am and being confident in who I was created to be. For the first time, I am embracing my waiting season, something I didn’t particularly fancy before. I do not want to step out in disobedience and miss my mark because my flesh wants its way. All I want right now, is to remain under the wings of my Father. Until then, find me at the feet of Jesus…
THE NARRADORA 
.👌👌👌
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